I’m Stepping Out Tonight!

There’s an opening of the Historic Roosevelt Hotel here in New Orleans, and I’m joining some of my girls out there.  Before I go, I want to share some things I like to keep in mind before I go out.

Do you sabotage yourself before you get anywhere with a guy?

I recently answered a question from a young lady about a man she was obsessing over.  Basically, they had a flirtation she wanted to act on.  He is two years younger and didn’t act directly by asking her out.  After seeing him for the first time in weeks, she decided to text him and share her feelings.  He was surprised but responded positively by wanting to talk.  She was too nervous to talk, so she insisted on text.  When he said, “Let’s give it a go.” She said, “But what about the age difference?”  He responded with an, “I don’t know, what do you think?” Finally, after all this, he responded with the “let’s be friends.”

Now, she’s at a loss.

Does anyone notice a pattern here?  I sure did.  Every time this woman received a positive response, she found another objection to overcome.  She’s trying to protect herself from rejection while setting herself up for it at the same time.

It is as if she’s saying, “If you think it through, you don’t really like me.”

Why focus on the negative?  If a guy doesn’t see a negative, don’t point it out to him for crying out loud!

Also, I have to wonder if she threw out as many signals as she thought she did.  Sometimes women think they are being obvious flirts when they aren’t.  Besides, some guys have to be hit over the head before they realize a girl is into them.  I’m almost positive that is why this guy was so surprised when she contacted him.

Unfortunately, she convinced him enough that he shouldn’t like her to the point that he played the friend card.  So what should she do now?

This is what I told her.

Now that he’s thrown out the friend card,  the best thing to do is begin considering other guys.  Get out there and date.  Nothing makes a person move like competition.  If he sees you out with other men, he’ll know you have options.  That gives the impression that you are selective and that he’d be lucky if you chose him.   If that doesn’t get him going than at least you are not wasting time pining over him.

Be patient and see if he comes back around.  A lot of times when you think the opportunity has passed another one comes along.  Let it.  Don’t rush.  You have plenty of time to have good things come your way.  Just remember to be open to them when they do and that you deserve a great guy b/c you are a catch.  Don’t try to convince anyone otherwise.

Are you really that surprised Jon and Kate Gosselin are separating?

A relationship is hard enough with children born at intervals.  Six on top of twins seems impossible.  Now, I don’t have any kids, but I do come from a family of six kids.  I’ve seen how challenging and rewarding it can be raising kids, but I’ve also seen ups and downs in relationships with and without kids.

Once when talking to my father about marriage, he said, “Through marriage, you fall in and out of love many times.  It’s the falling back in love that you look forward to and work for.”

What I took from that conversation is relationships, romantic or not, are work.  You can’t just expect a relationship to run on it’s own without maintenance and upkeep.  Sure, that will work for a while, but the challenge of a relationship is that both people are constantly evolving through their experiences.  It is whether you can evolve together that really determines whether a couple will manage to stay together or not.

Evolving together takes awareness.  You have to keep in mind the other person and not just get stuck in your own growth.  That goes for the other person involved too.  Both people have to check in to see how that other is doing on a pretty regular basis instead of just going through the motions of daily life.  By being aware, a couple can identify problems before they become unmanageable instead of one day waking up and saying, “That’s not the person I fell in love with.”

Now, take all that and add eight kids (six of which are only 4), cameras and tabloids.  Hmm…Not exactly marriage bliss.  What did you think was gonna happen?  Do you think they really have time to work on their relationship?  Maybe, but the odds of divorce are against most marriages without their concerns.

Btw – When I told my mother what my father said falling in and out of love throughout marriage, she asked him with a smirk, “So which is it right now?”

Those two crack me up!

Should you wait to have sex with your date?

I know how it goes.  You’re having a great time with a new guy.

The conversation is flowing, the chemistry is there, his kiss is phenomonal!  You just want to hold on to that and let things happen.

But, should you have sex with him or not?

Hey, I’ve been there, but since I know how it feels from the woman’s perspective, I thought you could use the male perspective to help answer the question of whether to wait to have sex or not.  Relationship Expert, Mikko Kemppe, has a lot to say about how men view sex and how to handle the man you are dating if you’re not quite ready.

Check it out here.

Texting or Sexting?

Texting or Sexting? I’m a bit confused when I get a picture of a penis on my phone…

I woke up this morning to a lewd text from a friend featuring his proudest member. Confused and cloudy from sleep and the fact that this friend lives in New York and is more like a brother than any love interest, I rolled over and went back to sleep not wanting to even think what that was about.

After more rest, I wondered about the text and dismissed it as some late night drunk moment. That night, he confirmed the mistake in a text apology saying he sent the pic to the wrong person. Obviously!

I told him no worries but that he’d be immortalized on my site. He didn’t like that so much, so I promised not to put the picture up or use his name. Hey, I had to make him sweat a little.

As I giggled over that, I explained to some girlfriends what happened. That’s when one of them laughed and called it “Sexting.” I thought she had a momentary lisp and asked her to repeat.  I didn’t know there was a term for sending sexual messages, but there you go.

Now, after learning the new term, what I really want to know is:

How do you define Sexting?  Is it just racy texting and fun with the camera phone, or does it really turn you on?

Hey, I’m curious!  Humor me and comment below.

As I prepare to go on a date tonight, I flip through a book, Intellectual Foreplay, that provides great questions to get to know friends or lovers better.  Preparing for a date with a few questions in hand is a good way to keep the conversation going and find out things about your date.   I highly recommend this book as a great source.

Since I have just come to know my date recently, I shy away from all the very serious questions about past, career and self esteem.  I soon find a section on pets and think of my little Jimmy Do Da aka “The Do”, “Do Da”, “One Ton”, and “Spread Eagle Purrinator”.  He’s a handsome, solid, social brown tabby rescue from the LASPCA pictured below.

Anyway this got me thinking about how I’m the typical single girl with her cat, and how important it is for me to ask these pet questions since giving up the Do is not an option.  Here are some of the questions I might ask my date tonight.

Have you had pets before?  What kind?

What pets do you refuse to have?

Are you a dog or cat person?

You don’t kick animals when they misbehave, do you?  (I don’t want “The Do” treated as a soccer ball.)

Those are just a few I will throw out there.  I’m not going to go into more detail at this point unless it comes up.  Now, I need to come up with a few other questions about another light topic like Sports, Recreation and Entertainment.  Gotta go.

“Women who travel in packs do not attract.” ~ Patti Stanger

Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger, recently dished on the Top Six Dating Mistakes Women Make on MSN.com.  Every woman dating should read the article, but I just want to focus on one very important point she made and expand on it.

She said one of the mistakes women make is that they go out with their girlfriends to meet guys.  A good guy friend of mine used to go off about this all the time.  He’d complain abou the fact that women would band together making it impossible to approach them with his ego intact.  The wall is impossible to penetrate, so he wouldn’t bother.  And believe me, he was a man you wanted to be bothered by.

Patti Stanger gives some insight to girlfriends traveling in packs.  Here’s an excerpt from the article.

“When you’re with your girlfriends, you’re not approachable. They’re scared. Men are very timid. I have this theory: Women who travel in packs do not attract. Men who are quality aren’t going to go in there and ask you out while your girlfriends are standing right there — he could get shot down. So it’s a really good idea, at about 4 or 4:30 P.M., to go to the bar: Sit at the bar, have a cocktail, get an hors d’oeuvre, read a mutual-gender book like The Da Vinci Code, know the score on TV, and pretend you’re busy. You’re reading a book, you’re eating an hors d’oeuvre, you’re meeting a friend — and then you’re more approachable because you’re by yourself.” ~ The Millionaire Matchmaker: The Six Biggest Dating Mistakes Women Make, by Erin Meanly, MSN Lifestyle., http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleglamourmatch.aspx?cp-documentid=19844962&gt1=32023

I love what she has to say, but I’d like to go further by making it a point to pay attention to your body language.  You can show up early or go out alone but if you are caved in upon yourself with your shoulders hunched and not making any eye contact, you aren’t going to get very far.

Be open and go with the idea that if you just talk to someone for a few minutes of good conversation, the outing is a success.

If you are out with the ladies, be sure to break away and circulate.  Don’t run through the room.  Take your time and stroll through as we southern ladies like to say.  Look around, make eye contact and don’t forget to smile.  Your smile says you’re friendly and approachable, so turn it on.

I’m going meet up with a girlfriend this afternoon, but I’m going to get there early with a good book.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Lanay